Thursday, January 27, 2011

what brought a tears.

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Tazkirah. ;)

Kegelisahan, kedukaan dan air mata adalah sebahagian daripada sketsa hidup dan kehidupan kita sekalian hamba di dunia ini. Titisan air mata yang bermuara dari hati dan berselaputkan kegelisahan jiwa terkadang memilukan hingga mencipta keresahan dan kebimbangan. Kedukaan kerana kerinduan yang teramat sangat dalamnya menyebabkan kepedihan yang menyesakkan ruang dada. Jiwa yang rapuh pun mengadu, berkeluh-kesah pada alam serta isinya,bertanya di manakah pasangan jiwa berada. Lalu hati mencipta serpihan kegelisahan, bagai anak kecil yang kehilangan ibunya.
Keinginan bertemu pasangan jiwa, bukankah itu sebuah fitrah seorang hamba? Semua itu hadir tanpa disedari sebelumnya hingga tanpa sedar telah menjadi sebahagian hidup yang tidak boleh dipisahkan lagi. Letih... Sungguh letih jiwa raga. Sendiri mengayuh biduk kecil dengan rasa hampa tanpa tahu adakah belahan jiwa di luar sana? Alahai... kehidupan manusia bukan hanya untuk dunia fana ini sahaja kerana masih ada akhirat yang kekal abadi. Memang, setiap manusia telah diciptakan berpasangan, namun tak hanya dibatasi oleh dunia fana ini sahaja. Seseorang yang belum menemui pasangan jiwanya,Insyaallah akan dipertemukan suatu hari nanti.
Keresahan dan kegelisahan janganlah sampai mengubah pandangan kepada Pemilik Cinta. Berserahlah kepada Maha Pemurah. Kembalikan segala urusan hanya kepadanya, kerana Dia Maha Memberi dan Maha Pengasih. Ikhtiar, munajat serta untaian doa tiada habis-habisnya dicurahkan kepada Pemilik Hati. Tak usah membandingkan diri dengan orang lain kerana Dia pasti memberikan yang terbaik untuk setiap hamba-Nya, meskipun adakalanya kita sekalian hamba tidak menyedarinya.
Usahlah dirimu bersedih lalu menangis di penghujung malam kerana tak kunjung usai memikirkan siapa kiranya pasangan jiwa. Menangislah kerana air mata permohonan kepada-Nya di setiap sujud dan keheningan pekat malam. Jadikan hidup ini penuh dengan harapan yang baik kepada Pemilik Jiwa. Bersiap menghadapi putaran waktu hingga setiap gerak langkah serta helaan nafas bernilai ibadah kepada Maha Pencipta. Bukankah kalau sudah saatnya tiba, jodoh tidak akan lari ke mana kerana sejak roh telah menyatu dengan jasad, siapa belahan jiwamu telah tersurat.
Sabarlah, bukankah mentari akan selalu menghiasi pagi dan malam senantiasa indah dengan sinar lembut rembulan dipagar bintang. Senyum dan hapuskanlah air matamu serta hilangkanlah lara di jiwa. Terimalah semua sebagai sebahagian kembara kehidupan yang akan menemui rahsia di sebalik titian kehidupan yang kau jalani. Hingga, kelak kau akan rasakan tidak ada lagi riak kegelisahan dan keresahan saat bersendirian.

Rule; obey or disobey?

Can i make a rule for myself? of course i can. :)
can i obey the rule that i myself made it for myself? yup! if you want to. ;)
what would happen if i disobey the rule? damage to yourself, perhaps. ;)

now let me ask.

why you want to make the RULE? because.. finish work on time
will you obey the rule that you made? hurmmm.. i will try. nobody perfect isn't it? (cliche)
why exactly you wanted so much to make the rule again?? err..hoping that i would discipline myself a lil bit, perhaps. by doing work on work before i were urged to do it. a good student..
ok. if the rule was obeyed, it will be just fine. BUT, what if you disobey the rule? should you be punished? er..should there be any punishment?? this is my rule! let me be! so busybody la you! go away!

p/s:campak ini org dlm laut.

*gamba ni xde kaitan. ;)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me?
All things are gonna happen naturally
Oh, taking your advice and I'm looking on the bright side 
And balancing the whole thing.

but at often times those words get tangled up in a lines
And the bright light turns to night
Oh, until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of, of the love
Of the love that I loved
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words;
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards.
More words than I had ever heard, and I feel so alive.

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Oh, love love 
You and I, You and I
Not so little you and I anymore


Monday, January 3, 2011

welcoming 2011

it's already 2011.
cepat je mase berlalu..
mcm2 benda yg berlaku utk 2010..
some are sweet memories and not forgotten the harsh one..

for the 2011, i just hope for a better life than previous year..
Semoga hidup lebih diberkati, blissful, dan dipermudahkan dlm melakukan semua pekerjaan..
Juga semoga segalanya berjalan lancar seperti yg dirancang. Amin.

p/s: i love you! ;)